So who are The Hyatt Girls?

Dear Juliane,

Just so that everyone knows what we are talking about, The Hyatt Girls are a group of beautiful and very naked women who live in my imagination and perform pornographic acts with each other, provided I stay at a Hyatt Hotel. For years I have drawn them, to the best of my ability, on the hotel’s notepaper whenever I have stayed at a Hyatt. I have now turned these drawings into erotic wallpaper, which I sell at great expense on my lovely, contentious Cave Things online shop.

There are also other groups of women — The Hilton Girls and The Ritz Carlton Girls, for example — residing in my imagination who will perform pornographic acts on condition that I stay at the applicable hotels. As with The Hyatt Girls, in order to remember them, I sketch them on the hotel notepaper. I’ll be turning these into wallpaper too at some point — once I get my shit together.

And then there are The Travelodge Girls — they perform particularly enthusiastic pornographic acts in my imagination, but because Travelodge doesn’t supply any notepaper I haven’t been able to draw them. If Travelodge had their own notepaper, I could think of the girls, draw them, and make The Travelodge Girls wallpaper, which I can sell at a more affordable price than The Hyatt Girls wallpaper — which is so bloody expensive nobody in their right mind buys it.

I hope this answers your question. Our minds are mysterious places where wild chimeras play — but it should be said that, for me, none exist that are not silenced by the wakening of my wife, here she comes now, rising beautiful, dreamy, body and soul, my love, my darling, in the early golden light — good morning.

Love, Nick

THE HYATT GIRLS WALLPAPER

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