Issue #350 / January 2026
50 SHORTS
I used to love your music in the 80s and 90s. Your new music, I not only don’t like it, I find it unlistenable. It sounds like you have had a stroke and lost the power of comprehension, in that you cant tell the good from the bad. There is no way I would waste money to see you in NZ nor would I go if it were free. Because I don’t want to see the travesty you have become. Its truly perplexing as to why you have ended up where you are musically. Oh and go fuck yourself.
Paul, New Zealand / Australia
PHOTO CHARLOTTE HADDEN
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Would you appear on Sesame Street if asked?
DARIN, PLAYA DEL RAY, USA Yes.
Am I a prick for suggesting that you fail in your duty as a writer ~ a craft to which you devote such scrupulous dedication ~ because you persist in perpetuating the common misuse of “quote” for “quotation,” an imprecision that is uncharacteristic of you as a wordsmith but possibly indicative of the irreversible decline of English as a precise medium of communication in which we can trust?
DAVID, MIXCOAC, MEXICO CITY, MEXICO Yes.
You and I are of an age. I also color my hair. Does this mean we are not ageing gracefully?
JILL, PORTLAND, USA We must age disgracefully.
My childhood best friend lost his teenage daughter in an accident. I haven’t seen him for years and I struggle with writing him a letter of condolence. Do you remember a special letter or words you got sent when you experienced your loss? Or the opposite – anything you found difficult to handle that someone said to you.
TOVE, OSLO, NORWAY No, but I remember those who didn’t make contact.
Hey Nick, if you could choose 3 dead jazzmen to have dinner with, who would you choose and why?
JULIE, ZAMOSC, POLAND What?! Dinner with three dead jazzmen?! 🤮
Just noticed you come right after The Carpenters in my record collection. How do you feel about that?
KARL, TACOMA, USA I couldn’t think of better neighbours.
This is about your issue #346. It’s rushed. You couldn’t get thoughts out through your fingers fast enough. How are you? What was distracting you when you bashed it out and pressed send?
CARLOS, BRUNSWICK, AUSTRALIA I was distracted by the thought that you are a bit of a twat.
I can’t fathom why anyone with even half a brain would believe in god. God? I mean, really?
SAM, CHICAGO, USA The mighty Christian Wiman claims that 95% of physicists who won the Nobel Prize in the twentieth century believed in a god. Perhaps it is the atheists who use half a brain, and I mean that quite literally (read Iain McGilchrist).
Is religion not the refuge of the weak?
JL, KTOWN, CANADA Yes, JL, it is precisely that. Christianity in particular.
Are you considering formally converting to Catholicism?
STEVE, BLACKWOOD, AUSTRALIA Often tempted, but no.
Why do you have a piano in your kitchen, near the dishwasher?
DOUG, NEW YORK, USA I don’t. I have a dishwasher in the music room near the piano.
I am a Police officer… We go to way too many sorrows. Other people’s sorrows can become ours. I use your songs to escape, justify, rage, reflect and plan for the future. Thanks, mate. 👍
PLOD, MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA Thank you, my friend. 👍
Regarding cold water swimming. Did you just say F it! And take a plunge into the frigid water or is this something you gradually acclimated your body to?
MATT, LUDINGTON, MICHIGAN, USA Do it! But wait until Spring, when the waters have warmed up, before you start. Then acclimate and swim throughout the winter. It will change your life.
I’ve grown tired of your Jesus imitation.
NIKOLA, BIOGRAD NA MORU, CROATIA 🐨
Do you like walking?
ESTHER, MILTON KEYNES, UK Only on water.
Not a perv question – but are you circumcised?
CONRAD, MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA 🐨
Are you still gay for Blixa?
EMELINE, AALST, BELGIUM A bit.
How the fuck is Marty?
CHRIS, MANCHESTER, ENGLAND Better, much better. Stay tuned!
Do you have a favourite photo of Susie?
BONNIE, BOSTON, USA  Could you help me persuade my husband, Jamie, to go sea swimming with me, please?
MARGARET, IRELAND Jamie, stop being a pussy and swim with your wife.
Can you please persuade my wife, Margaret, to stop trying to persuade me to do things?
JAMIE, IRELAND Margaret, back the fuck off and let Jamie do what he wants.
I heard you and Warren were at the Radiohead concert on Friday night. Me too! Describe it in one word!
KATH, LONDON, UK Heroic.
Dear Nick, I love you. But….have you watched what Roger Walters has to say? He’s right….please wake up.
TULIE, MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA Dear Tulie, this is truly the sweetest letter I’ve ever received. I love you too.
When was the last time you really laughed?
ELIJAH, SALEM, US About ten seconds ago.
Who is the tailor who makes your suits?
DODERLIN, SAN SEBASTIÁN, SPAIN Bella Freud makes my suits.
There is a cat called “Chonk” that bothers our outdoor cats all the time. He is a jerk cat. So I spray him with the hose, throw things near him, or chase him into the woods. Is that wrong?
PETER, KINNELON, NJ, USA Probably. Have you ever tried sitting down with Chonk and just talking to him?
What is the square root of the hypotenuse?
DON JUAN, TIMBUKTUTENKHAMEN, EGYPT I don’t know, Don Juan, but I assume it depends on the hypotenuse’s length.
Do you believe the Bible to be fact or fiction?
CLINT, MARGATE, SOUTH AFRICA Both, of course.
Is it ok to use your ‘Babe, I’m on Fire’ as I am cremated?
MATIN, IPSWICH, UK I insist!
Favourite time of day?
PAUL, SOUTHAMPTON, ENGLAND Very early morning. Are we heading again towards reenchantment?
MAYTE, LUGO, SPAIN The reenchantment has begun.
You are loved. Please be careful.
TIM, LITTLE ROCK, USA Okay, Tim, I will.
I love you
LOTEM, BERLIN/TEL AVIV, GERMANY/ISRAEL I love you too, Lotem.
What is your favorite lyric from a Lou Reed song
SCOTT, MISSOULA, USA Just like poison in a vial
She was often very vile (Caroline Says) Which do you think are the best covers of your songs? I keep going back to Cat Power’s version of “Breathless” because it’s so sublime!
NICO, DURHAM, NC, USA Yep, that sounds about right, and Nell’s. I love Nell’s covers.
Did you ever consider yourself to be a punk rocker?
JAMES, CHICAGO, USA No punk would admit such a thing.
During the Grinderman period, you carried a very handsome furry creature of some sort on your top lip. What was its name? And what happened to it?
JAMIE, WOKING, UK Its name was divorce, and Susie cancelled it.
I have a happy life—retired, financially sound, spouse, children, grandchildren—yet the depression and anger I’ve lived with since childhood remain. I’ve been in and out of therapy for decades to no avail. What can I do to alleviate the sadness?
BILL, CONNECTICUT, USA Meditate, dude, meditate.
Who are your favourite feminists?
JANET, MANCHESTER, UK Camille Paglia, Germaine Greer, Andrea Dworkin, Valerie Solanas.
Favourite book written by a woman?
LYNETTE, ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA SCUM Manifesto by Valerie Solanas.
I got a Red Hand charm after my father passed away… Do you have something like that that holds a similar power to you?
MARTINA, OSLO, NORWAY Susie.
What’s your favourite comedian?
PASCAL, PARIS, FRANCE Slava Polunin.
“The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.” Carl Sagan
STEVE, LA, USA The word ‘seems’ carries a lot of weight here. From my experience, Carl Sagan is mistaken.
Having attended your Wild God tour gig in “fucking Paris”… until she realised “Jubilee Street” had been dropped from the setlist. She turned so profoundly sad that I promised I’d turn to your Red Hand Files and ask you why.
LAURENT, COLOMBES, FRANCE Sorry to hear that, Laurent. Maybe we can release it as a 7”.
Do you partake in cryptic crosswords?
ELOISE, MANCHESTER, UK Three-word directive to perform an impossible act with obscene undertone as a form of dismissal (2,4,8).
When is your Christmas record coming out?
SIMON, WOKINGHAM, UK Next Christmas (maybe).
If you really read all these and take them to heart, please just send me an emoji or something goofy. I would love to hear from you in some way. Im not desperate, but my faith in you wanes.
JAYDEN, LONDON, CANADA 🖕
Serious question: how much longer do you reckon you’ll be in your Fat Elvis phase, musically speaking?
LLOYD, DUBLIN, IRELAND Anyone paying the slightest attention to my stuff would know that I have been in a late-period Elvis phase since the day I was born.
I only wanted to express my gratitude for your continued commitment to making the sort of art that challenges the cynical, nihilistic logic of late-stage capitalism…
DEAN, RIDGEFILED, CT, USA So, let’s get this straight – you like me?
Love, Nick PHOTO CHARLOTTE HADDEN
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